A Phone Call Debrief

“I knew it was a mistake the moment it was over. I’ll never understand what you saw in that man.”

“Really, mom? I think everyone knew it was a mistake when it was over. I knew it was a mistake. James knew it was a mistake. Even James’ dog knew it was a mistake. Jesus, mom. Who didn’t know it was a mistake?”

“I didn’t mean anything by it, baby. I was just saying. You know I never liked James. I always thought you could’ve done better. He was so, oh whats the word? Trashy. He was trashy. Trashy, trashy, trashy. Now if you’d just dress more your age you wouldn’t attract such trashy men.”

“Don’t say that, mom. James was nice and sweet. I mean, sure, he was rash, but I thought it was cute. I just don’t want us to drift into making him into a monster after the fact. And what’s wrong with the way I dress? Is there something wrong with how I dress?”

“Oh it’s nothing, honey. The things you wear are just fine for you. But don’t defend him. God. What he did was inexcusable. I mean, the nerve. And with your best friend? Complete trash. Good riddance. To both of them. Good bye.”

“Yeah. I guess your right.”

“Of course I’m right, honey. And when I get up there next week we’re going to make it all better. We’ll go shopping and get your hair done. We’ll get you a beautiful new dress. It’ll be great. Out with the trashy and in with the new you, honey.”

“What’s wrong with my hair?”

“Nothing, honey. Nothing’s wrong with your hair. It’s fine for you. I just can’t believe he would cheat on you with that slut, Linda.”

“Mom! Don’t say ‘slut’! I don’t think my brain can handle you saying ‘slut.'”

“Oh I don’t know what terms you kids use these days, but in my day if you sleep with your best friend’s fiance than you’re a slut. Slut. Slut. Slut.”

“Stop, mom. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. How’s dad doing?”

“Dad never cared for James. You know that. On account of that time James came over and cheered for the Steelers. I mean, who comes over and cheers for the Steelers? Ugh. God. Trashy sluts, that’s who.”

“Stop saying ‘slut’, mom.”

“Dad probably never told you,”

“He told me all the time, mom.”

“But he was devastated when he found out you were dating a Steelers fan. No class. Then when you got engaged. Oh God. Ugh. It was all he could do not to tell you how disappointed he was. I’m so glad he never said anything though.”

“Mom, he wore his ‘Steelers Suck’ t-shirt to my engagement party.”

“Well now he’s just happy that you have the chance to find a good Baltimore boy who loves the Ravens and the O’s and won’t disrespect us in our own house.”

“James wasn’t being disrespectful. He grew up in Pittsburgh.”

“Don’t defend that trash, honey. He slept with your best friend, remember?”

“Yes, mom. I remember.”

“I mean, god, the nerve. Ugh. And wearing a Steelers jersey in our house. Ugh. But it’s no matter because he showed his true colors and now he’s gone.”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

“I knew he was trash too. I told you the minute he brought in that stupid dog. Who names their dog ‘dog’ anyway?”

“Can we talk about something else?”

“But when I come up, we will find you a new dress and get your hair done. We’ll make it all better. Really, you should think of this as a fresh start. Good thing you dodged that one, right. God. If that trash had actually joined the family? Ugh. I don’t know if your dad’s heart could take it, is all I’m saying.”

“Did you tell Father Martin?”

“Oh god, honey. The Father completely understands. You know what he said? He said he was so glad you dodged that trashy bullet. And when I told him it was Linda, well he said she’s always been a slut.”

“No he didn’t, mom.”

“Well, he didn’t say those exact words. But that’s what he was thinking. He understands, baby. He loves you. And your father and I, we love you to. We love you, baby.”

“I miss him, mom.”

“Oh, baby. I know. I know.”

“It’s hard.”

“I know, baby.”

“I just want it to be over.”

“It is, baby. It will be.”

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